"Hearing Myself Think" by Richard Beard - www.richardbeard.info 耳邊的迴響
Heathrow Airport is one of the few places in England you can be sure of seeing a gun. These guns are carried by policemen in short-sleeved shirts and black flak-jackets, alert for terrorists about to blow up Tie-Rack. They are unlikely to confront me directly, but if they do I shall tell them the truth. I shall state my business. I’m planning to stop at Heathrow Airport until I see someone I know. (...)
Astonishingly, I wait for thirty-nine minutes and don’t see one person I know. Not one, and no-one knows me. I’m as anonymous as the drivers with their universal name-cards (some surnames I know), except the drivers are better dressed. Since the kids, whatever I wear looks like pyjamas. Coats, shirts, T-shirts, jeans, suits; like slept-in pyjamas. (...)
令人感到驚訝的是，我苦候了三十九分鐘，一個熟人也看不見。無人認識我，真的一個沒有。我像一個籍籍無名的司機一樣，不同的是，他們都有一個劃一的名牌( 有些姓氏我是熟識的 )，衣著整齊。從我孩童時代開始，無論穿上什麼，都好像穿睡衣似的。大衣、襯衣、T恤、牛仔褲、西裝，就像在床上呆了很久的睡衣一樣。
I hear myself thinking about all the people I know who have let me down by not leaving early on a Tuesday morning for glamorous European destinations. My former colleagues from the insurance office must still be stuck at their desks, like I always said they would be, when I was stuck there too, wasting my time and unable to settle while Ally moved steadily onward, getting her PhD and her first research fellowship at Reading University, her first promotion.
Our more recent grown-up friends, who have serious jobs and who therefore I half expect to be seeing any moment now, tell me that home-making is a perfectly decent occupation for a man, courageous even, yes, manly to stay at home with the kids. These friends of ours are primarily Ally’s friends. I don’t seem to know anyone anymore, and away from the children and the overhead planes, hearing myself think, I hear the thoughts of a whinger. This is not what I had been hoping to hear.
I start crying, not grimacing or sobbing, just big silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t want anyone I know to see me crying, because I’m not the kind of person who cracks up at Heathrow airport some nothing Tuesday morning. I manage our house impeccably, like a business. It’s a serious job. I have spreadsheets to monitor the hoover-bag situation and colour-coded print-outs about the ethical consequences of nappies. I am not myself this morning. I don’t know who I am.
我 開始在哭，不是愁眉苦臉或在抽泣，斗大粒的眼淚從面頰滾下來。我不想認識我的人看到我淚流滿面，因為，在一個平凡的星期二早晨，我決不會是在希斯魯機場大哭一番的那種人。我把家庭職務視為工作，弄得井井有條，這是一份嚴肅的工作。我表列監控吸塵器袋的情況，用編碼顏色打印出尿布的環保道德效果。今晨，我卻 不能自己，我不知道我是誰。