"Hearing Myself Think" by Richard Beard - www.richardbeard.info 耳邊的迴響
Heathrow Airport is one of the few places in England you can be sure of seeing a gun. These guns are carried by policemen in short-sleeved shirts and black flak-jackets, alert for terrorists about to blow up Tie-Rack. They are unlikely to confront me directly, but if they do I shall tell them the truth. I shall state my business. I’m planning to stop at Heathrow Airport until I see someone I know. (...)
在英國是不輕易看到槍枝的，希斯魯（Heathrow）機場是少數例外的地方。荷槍實彈的警察，穿上黑色的避彈衣，短打上陣，告誡恐怖份子，就算想向 領帶架（Tie-Rack）領帶專門店下手，也不要輕舉妄動。他們不大會直接向我找麻煩吧，但若真如此，我會從實招供，表明來意。我只想在希斯魯機場稍作逗留，見見熟人而已。
Astonishingly, I wait for thirty-nine minutes and don’t see one person I know. Not one, and no-one knows me. I’m as anonymous as the drivers with their universal name-cards (some surnames I know), except the drivers are better dressed. Since the kids, whatever I wear looks like pyjamas. Coats, shirts, T-shirts, jeans, suits; like slept-in pyjamas. (...)
令人感到驚訝的是，我苦候了三十九分鐘，一個熟人也看不見。無人認識我，真的一個沒有。我像一個籍籍無名的司機一樣，不同的是，他們都有一個劃一的名牌( 有些姓氏我是熟識的 )，衣著整齊。從我孩童時代開始，無論穿上什麼，都好像穿睡衣似的。大衣、襯衣、T恤、牛仔褲、西裝，就像在床上呆了很久的睡衣一樣。
I hear myself thinking about all the people I know who have let me down by not leaving early on a Tuesday morning for glamorous European destinations. My former colleagues from the insurance office must still be stuck at their desks, like I always said they would be, when I was stuck there too, wasting my time and unable to settle while Ally moved steadily onward, getting her PhD and her first research fellowship at Reading University, her first promotion.
所有我熟識的人都在令我失望，在星期二的大清早，歐洲有這麼多觀光的好去處都不去，想起來還是在我耳邊迴響一樣。以前在保險公司的同事，一定還是辦公桌旁，埋頭苦幹。在耶喻他們之餘，其實，過往我何妨不像他們一樣呢，毫無寸進，擔誤時光，無法安頓，而愛麗（Ally）則穩步向前，拿得博士學位後，而且在雷丁大學（Reading University）取得她的第一個研究員職位，這是她首次獲晉升。
Our more recent grown-up friends, who have serious jobs and who therefore I half expect to be seeing any moment now, tell me that home-making is a perfectly decent occupation for a man, courageous even, yes, manly to stay at home with the kids. These friends of ours are primarily Ally’s friends. I don’t seem to know anyone anymore, and away from the children and the overhead planes, hearing myself think, I hear the thoughts of a whinger. This is not what I had been hoping to hear.
新近認識比較成熟的朋友，他們都有認真的工作，因此，現在已不經常見面了，曾勸告我做個住家男人，這是一份完全正當的職業，真的，甚至要有勇氣，有男子氣慨，留在家裡照顧孩子。這些主要是愛麗的朋友，現在似乎與他們亦變得很疏遠了。孩子不在身邊，飛機在頭頂飛過，耳邊不停地聽到自己的想法，自怨自艾，以往 那會對自己發過這樣的牢騷呢。
I start crying, not grimacing or sobbing, just big silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t want anyone I know to see me crying, because I’m not the kind of person who cracks up at Heathrow airport some nothing Tuesday morning. I manage our house impeccably, like a business. It’s a serious job. I have spreadsheets to monitor the hoover-bag situation and colour-coded print-outs about the ethical consequences of nappies. I am not myself this morning. I don’t know who I am.
我 開始在哭，不是愁眉苦臉或在抽泣，斗大粒的眼淚從面頰滾下來。我不想認識我的人看到我淚流滿面，因為，在一個平凡的星期二早晨，我決不會是在希斯魯機場大哭一番的那種人。我把家庭職務視為工作，弄得井井有條，這是一份嚴肅的工作。我表列監控吸塵器袋的情況，用編碼顏色打印出尿布的環保道德效果。今晨，我卻 不能自己，我不知道我是誰。
